Things are gonna get fucking personal up in here.
Recently, I’ve been getting a ton of questions on my Ask me Anything page, and they are all about my fitness journey and basically how I stay motivated etc. Now, it’s time to be honest. I’ve been avoiding these questions because the truth is- I have very bad, sickening moments where I am overly critical of myself- to the point where I see things about my body that may/may not be there.
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Within the last month, I finally started to open up about my fitness journey on my snapchat account (itsroxyjames), and from then, these are just a few questions that I don’t find the strength in me to answer.
Let’s start at the beginning. When I was growing up, I was never skinny. I was always the “fat kid” or the “fat sister”. It was excruciatingly painful to grow up with someone who was always “slim”and who never ever had to work for it. I have NOTHING against people who hit the genetic lottery, but when you’re bullied, compared too, and constantly told that you’re FAT, it destroys you in ways you don’t even know unless you’ve been through it.
When I was 8, I once wanted to start ballet, and someone in my family actually told me, “fat people don’t do ballet”. I was fucking EIGHT and to this day, in my twenties, I still hear that. It’s really true what they say:
A few years ago, I decided to start talking about fitness on my blog. In my everyday life, most of the times it looks as if I have my shit together. So when I opened up and poured my heart out about my insecurity about my weight, someone took it upon themselves to mercilessly cyberbully me.
I and her had a rough past in high-school, but three years later, while I was minding my own business, she started stalking my blog and attacked where she knew it would hurt. She took the one thing that I was vulnerable about, the one thing that I was devastatingly insecure about, and used it against me.
Some tweets (from her now deleted twitter account):
I’ll leave it there because it was so much more than just those and I really hate the negativity on my blog.
From growing up and always being compared too, being the “fat” one, being cyberbullied by this irrelevant twitter troll, people in your family telling you to lose weight or that you can’t do something because you’re “fat”, hints from your boyfriends that you need to lose weight- those things add up.
When I was 15 I starved myself skinny. I didn’t eat and I skipped meals. Then every time I ate, I would force myself to throw up. I got skinny and then everyone couldn’t stop complimenting me on the weight I lost. In my mind, being told I lost weight equated to me being fat before. I didn’t do anything to be skinny except make myself sick, and yet, it was rewarded by society.
Being told that “fat people don’t lift weights, they should so cardio” created this nightmare where I physically couldn’t bring myself to even touch a weight when I was alone in the gym. I’m happy to say that I’m writing this after coming back from a booty busting workout all by myself in the gym. Using weights.
People need to be really careful what they say about someone’s appearance. Things like that leave invisible scars that can only be felt.
To this day, I’m so hesitant about even sharing my fitness journey with my viewers/readers just because I’m was so afraid that there will be another bully like that girl. Clearly I’m making some progress with this post #LOL
If you’re in a similar situation to me, you really need to give a big FUCK YOU to the haters. Honestly, I wish I had that mentality ages ago because I wouldn’t have wasted a good portion of my life obsessing and self-hating, because of the bs people told me.
Do ballet if you want too. Lift weights if you want too. Do whatever the hell YOU want to do because it makes YOU happy. Life is wayyy too short to let people upset your peace of mind. Go out there and be a powerful woman and accomplish everything that you want too. Use the haters as motivation to be as fierce as you possibly could. This is your life and your happiness- don’t let anyone take that away from you.
Questions? Ask here.
Alejandra Mora says
I’m so glad you are better now! This really is an eye-opener that society and people in general hurt others because they are not what everyone expects or not what society expects. It is truly a sad thing when people tear others down because people should encourage and support others not demotivate them. If we were all kind to one another and mindful of each other’s feelings the world would be a much better place 🙂
Thank you so much! It’s true that we all sometimes say things that may hurt people- whether it’s intentional or not. And yes, it’s really sad the way that society can break people down. But I’m so much better now and learning not to pick myself apart like that anymore. You’re so right too- the world will be definitely be a better place if people were kinder and more mindful. Love you! xo